Big and Strong and Hot
by Bloody Noses
Summary: Technically, it's a Spamalot fic filed under movies. Herbert and Lancelot want to get married. They just need Daddy's permission. Watch and hopefully laugh as Lance, Herbert, Galahad and Bedivere try to get Lance and Herbie hitched!


Herbert sighed, fiddling with a strand of his hair. It was a lovely day, the sun was shining, and it was a glorious Monday. And yet, he was bored. Bored out of his mind. How long had it been since he had last seen Lancelot? A month? A year? Looking at his calendar (a puppy-of-the-month one, obtained as a Christmas gift from his cousin), Herbert sighed. It had only been a week. He hated this sit-around-and-wait.

"Herbert!" a voice came from outside. Suddenly, his door to his room was slammed open and Lancelot ran in. Galahad and Bedivere were not far behind, Bedivere panting, Galahad looking confused. Ask and ye shall receive and all that jazz. Herbert grinned.

"Lancelot!" Herbert yelled, running up to give him a hug. The two embraced.

"Herbert!"

"Lancelot!"

"Herbert!"

"Galahad!" Galahad fell silent as Bedivere shot him a look. "Oh come on..." he muttered. "You saw it coming."

"Why are you here?" Herbert asked, looking at Lancelot.

"Well, we're on Broadway!" Lancelot piped in.

"No way!" He looked around, then giggled.

"Yeah. The show's supposed to end with a wedding, so we're going to get married!" Lancelot said, smiling. Herbert let out a squee, and the two hugged again.

"Oh this is wonderful!" Herbert said, smiling. Galahad made a face, then winced as Bedivere slammed his foot on his toe. "It's so sudden! But I'm ready when you are. Of course, I need to tell Father–oh no. Father!"

"What?" Lancelot said, frowning.

"I need to tell Father I'm getting married! If I don't tell Father I'm getting married, he's be very mad at me. Father also needs to sign the marriage certificate. That and I love my Father and want to let him in on what's going on in my life."

"Eloping is never a good suggestion," Bedivere chimed in.

"Father won't let me marry Lancelot, I know that much," Herbert said, frowning.

"Damn," Lancelot muttered.

"Well, what kind of...spouses would your Dad like?" Galahad asked, sitting down on the floor.

"Well, he likes girls. He wants me to marry a nice girl, maybe a princess. He would like huge tracks of land-"

"Me too," Galahad chimed in, smiling wistfully. He made another face as Bedivere's foot slammed onto Galahad's.

"He also likes tall girls," Herbert said.

"Hrm. I have a plan," Bedivere triumphantly announced.

"Does it involve rabbits?" Galahad asked.

"No."

"Ducks?"

"No."

"Any sort of animal?"

"No, let me finish! Does anybody know any girls?" Lancelot made a face. Herbert just shrugged.

"Heck yeah," Galahad said, smirking. "Plenty."

"Do they like you?"

"...no."

"Alright. This throws a loop in the plan, but I can improvise. We're going to need to have one of us to dress up like a girl, say their name is Lancelot, and pretend to marry Herbert, or at least have Herbert's father say Herbert can marry this "Lancelot". Another one of us can pose as "her" father and ask Herbert's father for Herbert's hand in marriage to "Lancelot" the female." Bedivere smiled, looking extremely proud of himself. There was a moment of silence as the remaining three processed this information, as well as try to figure out how it would help Herbert get married.

"Wait a moment," Galahad said, disgusted. "One of us is going to CROSS-DRESS?"

"Not me," Lancelot said, looking at Bedivere. "Herbert's dad knows me."

"Lancelot also has short hair," Herbert said, biting his lip. "The girl needs to have about shoulder-length hair."

"I've got a mustache," Bedivere said, twirling his mustache. "No girl has a moustache. I can pose as the father. So that means..."

"Oh HELL no," Galahad said, shooting Bedivere a look.

"Please?"

---

Five minutes later, a very pissed of Galahad was standing in Herbert's mother's room, clenching his fists. He was wearing a dress, heels, and tights. The dress was red and low cut. It looked like something the Lady of the Lake would wear. A few well placed oranges and apples made up for Galahad's lack of curves. The heels were crimson red and about two inches high. Bedivere was trying to fit a large coat over his armor.

"Herbert?" Lancelot said, looking at Galahad. "Could you make it somehow so that Galahad doesn't look like a hooker?"

"Well these were Mother's clothes," Herbert said, biting his lip. He had picked out Galahad's outfit himself, and rather liked it himself.

"You better be glad I love you," Galahad muttered, glaring venomously at all three of them.

"Shut up and put on your lipstick," Bedivere said, scowling as he tried to fit his arms in the coat. Galahad, still frowning, grabbed the lipstick and violently applied it to his face. It was like watching some two-year old finger paint. Sighing, Herbert took a handkerchief and wiped the excess lipstick off of Galahad's cheeks and nose.

"So here's what we do. Herbert, you tell your Dad that your girlfriend is coming over. Galahad and I will wait outside for five minutes then come in. Lancelot, you just stay inside and hide in the closet." Bedivere looked around, smiling. "Got it?"

"Got it," everybody said, Galahad rather angrily. Smiling, Herbert winked at Galahad and Bedivere and, as he blew Lancelot a kiss he ran down the stairs.

"Father!" Herbert yelled, slamming the door to his room. "Father, I forgot!"

"Eh? What is it?" Herbert's father said, from the other room. Herbert ran into the room. His dad was sitting at a desk, writing something.

"Okay, I've got a girlfriend. She's coming over to visit soon. Is that alright?" Herbert said, putting on his most pathetic puppy dog face. "Pleease? I really like her."

"Hrm, alright," his father said, looking at him.

"We want to get married," Herbert said, biting his lip.

"Hold on there!" Herbert's father said, straightening up. "You can't go marry someone without my permission!"

"Oh don't worry Daddy! She's–" Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Herbert's eyes widened. "Erm, I'll get it!" He ran to the front of the castle, as Bedivere and Galahad entered. "I thought it would take five minutes!" Herbert muttered.

"Her highness wants to get out of these damn heels as soon as possible," Galahad muttered, scratching his leg. "How do women walk in these?"

"Come on 'princess'," Bedivere said, snickering. "We've got to meet the parent."

"Here she is Daddy!" Herbert said, yelling. "Princess...Martti! She's Finnish. Her father is here also."

"Lancelot!" Bedivere vehemently whispered, but sighed. He would fix that problem later.

"Finland?" Galahad muttered, looking at Herbert. "Oh well. At least I can fake that accent." The three walked back into Herbert's father's study.

"Dad, the girl is Princess Martti. Her father owns large tracks of land in Finland."

"I can tell," Herbert's father said, his eyes lingering on Galahad's chest.

"Oh yes, I em su in lufe-a vith yuoor son," Galahad said, nodding. "Cun vee-a get merreeed?" Herbert looked up at the ceiling, pleading with himself. Swedish. Why was Galahad speaking in a Swedish accent when he was supposed to be Finnish? Oh well. His father never really had an ear for languages.

"Es her fazeer I'm feene-a veet thees," Bedivere said, sighing a bit. "Ve-a joost need tu esk yuoo."

"What about the wedding?" Herbert's father said, looking suspiciously at the three.

"Already taken care of! Martti's mother is planning it out. Their family plans to pay for it," Herbert quickly retorted. This was like treading on thin ice.

There was a large clang from upstairs, followed by a string of curse words. Immediately Herbert started to sneeze, Bedivere coughed, and Galahad hummed loudly. Lancelot was in BIG trouble when they were done with this.

"Cun yuoo seegn thees?" Bedivere said, handing the marriage certificate to Herbert's father.

"Why sure-wait a moment," he said, reading it carefully. "It says Herbert would marry Lancelot!"

"Her neme-a is Luncelut," Bedivere said, quickly. "It is a fery pupooler Feennish neme."

"I'm un oorphee," Galahad said, looking sad. Considering he was a man in a dress and heels and some of the lipstick was still on his chin he actually managed to look sad. Herbert was silently praising God. This seemed to be working. "Nefer knoon lufe-unteel I met Herbert," he said, looking kindly at Herbert. Herbert returned the look.

"Heck, I'll sign it," Herbert's father said, looking at the two. Taking out a quill, he signed the certificate with a flourish. "You all are so in love."

"Oh, I'm so happy!" Herbert said, smiling. It was signed! He could actually get married to Lancelot now! Sure, his father thought he would marry Galahad but the paper was official! It said clear as day 'Herbert and Lancelot. May they enjoy many wedded years together.' He could finally get married! "Oh I feel so happy I could...just...SING! It's loooove, it's loo-"

"Stop it, stop it!" Herbert's father said, waving his hands in the air. "There'll be NO singing when I'm around. Now go to your room and pack your belongings. I assume he'll live with you?" Bedivere and Galahad nodded. "Good. Glad to get the boy out of my hair."

"Could you help me pack please?" Herbert said, to Galahad. He nodded.

"I'll vait ootside," Bedivere said, smiling. He nodded at the two, then left the room, sighing with relief.

"My room's up here," Herbert said, grabbing Galahad's hand. The two ran up the stairs, smiling and, in Galahad's case, wiping lipstick off.

"I will never do that again," he muttered, taking the heels off. "Goddamn shoes." Galahad flung open the door to Herbert's mother's room. Lancelot was sitting on the floor, holding up the armoire. As he slid his leg out, he gently set it down.

"Ah good your back. How did it go?" he said, looking at the two.

"We can get married!" Herbert squeed as he hugged Lancelot.

"How did you manage to tip over the armoire?" Galahad said, taking off the dress. Fortunately, he was wearing an undershirt underneath.

"Beats me. It just kind of randomly fell over. It didn't look all that stable, and I guess it just gave out." Galahad shot him a ferocious glare. "Alright, I was goofing around. I wanted to see what sort of things Herbert's mother had. I was reaching for the top of the armoire and...well, it landed on my leg," Lancelot said, pointing to his leg. Galahad was taking the tights off, still grumbling.

"He stared at my CHEST," Galahad muttered throwing a shoe out of the window. There was a clunk, and an 'Ow!' from somebody outside (possibly Concorde). "My chest." Violently grabbing one of the apples, he bit into it. "I'm not even a proper female and I felt violated."

"So, now we grab some of my clothes, then leave," Herbert said, smiling. "I've still got that rope that I used to climb out of the window. We all could climb down it and then go home."

"Fine and dandy," Galahad muttered, storming over to Herbert's room, which coincidentally next door. Grabbing the rope (which also coincidentally lay near the window), he violently tied it to the windowsill and repelled down the wall, still mad. Herbert and Lancelot followed Galahad into the room. The two started throwing random articles of clothing in a nauseatingly pink carpetbag.

"So," Lancelot said, smiling. "We're finally getting married."

"Yep!" Herbert said, giggling. "Oh I wasn't sure that it would work, but it did."

"Erm, can I ask you one question?"

"Anything Lancie!"

"Okay two now. One, where did Lancie come from?"

"It fits you."

"And two...how awful was Galahad?" Lancelot said, grinning.

"He actually made an alright woman...which was really scary." Herbert said, zipping up the carpet bag. He idly threw it out of the window. A muffled 'OUCH!' emerged from Galahad, who by now had reached the bottom.

"Sorry!" Lancelot yelled downward, as he climbed out of the window, Herbert following. Soon, the two were back on solid (ish) swamp.

"Let's get going," Galahad muttered. "I want to forget that as soon as possible." Herbert and Lancelot snuggled together.

"Oh come on. I thought you looked rather dashing in that dress," Bedivere said, still snickering a bit.

"Shut up," Galahad muttered, blushing. "You're wearing it next time."

"I can hardly wait," Bedivere said, dryly.


End file.
